First and foremost, I would like to a apologize for the amount of time I have allowed to transpire since my last blog. There have been so many things going on and mentally I was just a little overwhelmed. As the saying goes, "life has been lifing" but in the midst of it all I can still say God is good. I have honestly missed writing, it feels like I have not been able to express myself the way I need to because I have not been writing and I guess that as well had taken a toll on my mental, nonetheless, I AM BACK!!! I try not to make promises and say I'm going to write these many a week or anything like that because the minute I make those kind of commitments things seem to get crazy, however, I will say I am still making it my goal to stay consistent and not let another year pass and me not write! I truly appreciate my loyal readers, that I know will always come, leave comments, and send me all kinds of encouragements, I appreciate you all from the bottom of my heart.
I wanted to do a part 3 (finale) to this " In the middle of the storm" so that I could go back to writing in my other series. I know I did mention in the last blog, that the children and I were back staying in a shelter and kind of spoke on how things are in here and things of that nature. Well, we are still here and as of right now we have not found any leads, well I did see a few possibles but the amount of rent they are asking is not really equaling up to what I make at the time, however, I can honestly say I still believe that God is going to make a way. These last few weeks I have been trying to build my faith and listen to encouraging sermons while I fall asleep, play scriptures all through the night and to just encourage myself and speak positive things. It is not an easy task to do at all, but I'm sure in the long run it is more beneficial that speaking negative thoughts and dwelling on the negative.
Truthfully for a long time, just these last few months I have struggled in wondering how God really felt about me. I have questioned if the things that I was going through was a part of a punishment for things that I had done in my past, for the times I disobeyed my mom, for the times I knew some of the things I was making a conscience decision to do , knowing they were wrong, had it all just caught up with me and God was fed up and giving me my punishment. I would be trying to listen to my apostle, and other ministers and while they were speaking positive things, like God has not forgotten about you, God still loves you, the best is coming and all things of that nature, all my mind would tell me was yeah, God loves you, but nothing good is coming right now for you. I mean look at how your life is right now, you know plenty of people who do what they want to do and at least they still have a home. I felt like God, the least you could give us is a home to call our own, I mean that's not anything special in your area of work, aren't you suppose to rain on the just and the unjust? I mean I have been thinking some really dark thoughts and it took a great deal of time to get me out of there, now I try to only dwell on the positive. I mean I always told myself it could be worse, be grateful you're not living on the street, and I always knew how much worse it could be and in the back of my mind I would tell God I'm extremely grateful, but that part of me that KNOWS what God is capable of and have seen him work miracles for myself and others, was hurting because He was not answering my prayers the way I wanted Him too, Sometimes I would beg and cry and still nothing, sometimes I would get close enough to see a ray of hope or sunshine only to have that door slammed right back in my face. So yes, I felt like God had just given up on me and He was treating me like a parent that was disappointed in His child. I mean I knew He still loved me and was showing grace and mercy and still allowing me my health and strength and still allowing me to wake up every morning when so many people I knew and didn't know were dying daily, so I never wanted to be a fool like some of Job's friend and curse God and die or anything, nor did I ever want to say that God had completely taken HIs hand off of me, I just felt like I was/am on punishment and being realistic with myself and what I was taught I know that Gods TRUE wrath is something none of us wants to experience and I know that's not what it was, just how it felt some days so please don't misunderstand!
Even in the midst of it all, when I wasn't feeling crazy, I could still see Gods hand moving. I have a job ,started out as a temporary and I was asked to stay on permanently. Its a really nice job, with nice people and the hours are nice hours so I am extremely grateful. Also, it may not seem like a big deal, but this is the first winter that I have been here that the snow has not been really bad and we have not been constantly in the negative. I mean this winter 80 percent of the time has reminded me of the winters back home, we have had some snow and extremely cold days, but not half as many as it should have/could have been and I am grateful, with us having to catch the bus and walk some places, and be out of the shelter by 8AM even on the weekends regardless of the weather, things could have really been worse. Also with income coming in from work I was able to get a hotel this past weekend and relax, sleep in, shower when we wanted to, and just start the "resetting process" Another weekend we were invited by a friend from the single mom group at the church I frequent to come over to her house on a Saturday and once of them invited us on a Sunday, both of these times Gabby was able to have a friend to play with and I was able to not have to stress about where we would stay until the shelter opened back up at 5pm. Last but not least we have gotten a few financial blessing here and there. I had a few beautiful readers to read my last blog and send me a blessing to my cashapp, and I want them to know I thank them from the bottom of my heart, one day I will be able to bless others just the same. I also created a GoFundMe and only shared it to a select few through text or messenger and although the majority may have thought I was hacked (something I learned after) Some has given to us and some have reached out to say they will at another time, and some may not have it to give and some may not feel led to give none the less I am grateful to those who gave, wanted to give but couldn't, those who prayed and those who even sent me an encouraging word and is still seeking God on what to do, and last but not least those who hasn't and won't give I am grateful for those as well because there is a lesson and a blessing in everything and I would never want anyone to feel obligated or even feel bad or anything. I only want the blessing that are God sent and ordained for my life! But these are just a few of the little ways that God allows me to see that even in the midst of the storm He is still God, Still good, still moving, still working, still faithful, and is still in control! And for that I am still grateful!!
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