I decided to take a break from my series of blogs and do something a little different today. This is my third time trying to complete this blog, so I don't even know If I'll get it finished this time but lets hope and pray I do. All of my blogs before now have been in past tense, me sharing things that I have gone through and came out of, some have been victorious and some sad, but each and every one I have made it through and I owe all the glory to God alone. I have always thought it best to wait until you have come out of the storm to share your testimony, because I [ felt the whole reason of the testimony was to tell how God brought you OUT! So what do you do during the storm? Do you just Stand still and know that He is God and trust and wait for Him to work it out? Do you be quiet and go through and let God release you when its time to speak on it? Do you pray, fast, read your word and just trust? Do you cry, pray, read and trust? After you've done all you can do you just STAND? Well, im sure you at some point do it all.
As I was saying, I want to write this blog from a now stand point, not so much as what I have gone through, but what I am GOING through. I don't want to wait any longer until its over to share it, I feel led to be open and transparent in the middle of it. This is not someting I really want to do but I felt led to do, its like itrs my final step in trying to get to my breakthrough. So long I have been dealing with some of the things I am going to write about and I have been trying to be a "adult", trying to put my big girl panties on and deal with my own issues. I have not been reaching out much for help or even asking for prayer. I keep teling myself its not me being stubborn or its not pride, its just me trying to grow and be mature in my faith and trust God and not have to reach out to others for help, not have to depend on anyone but God. All my life I have beent he one who needed help, especailly since my mom passed away and I jsut felt it was time to not be the one who needed help, it was time to get out and feen for myself and figure it out with just me and God. Although that may still be the plan, I know God has a plan for this blog, and I know I felt led to pause the series I was writing and start This one, I don't know why or wht will come of it. Maybe this will start my healing process , maybe the beginning of a breakthrough, maybe someone somewehre will read it and can help me in my legal life, or maybe its not about me at all, maybe its to bless someone else and heal someone else At this point, I don't know I am just being obedience and surrerinng my feelings and being tangable and vunerable and trusting God to do the rest.
This is not intended to be a rant or vent session, just want to get my honest feelings out of my head and into black and white. But since I have been writing this exact blog, I have gotten distracted and had to stop a few times, I've had to start over more times than I can remember and I have had to question it as well. The tings I am getting ready to type are hard to type, I feel like I am opening myself up on a whole different level and its scary. But I am so desperate for the next level that God has for me that I am willing to take this chance and tell my business to some. but to me its just another chapter in my story and if telling it and opening up and being hardcore honest is waht I have to do to get to that next level then here we go.. I have to jsut dive right in now becasue the more I type the more I feel like I am rambling.
Since being homeless again, I can't began to describe all the emotions and feelings that I have gone through in the last few months alone. I have been on an emotional roller-coaster and seems like it won't stop long enough for me to get off. I feel like I have failed myself, my children, my family, my mom and God. I feel like I am finally being punished for the things I thought I got away with sneaking and doing years and years ago. I feel like God hears me, but isn't listening or isn't ready to answer my prayers, or He's answering and I haven't yet figured out what He is saying. I feel somedays helpless, some days hopeless, somedays both. I feel like giving up is the only option and that its NOT an option at the same time. I feel so defeated but not wishing or wanting death. I want to stay on earth, I am not suicidal but I do question my existence. I thank God for sparing my life daily, but wonder why? I look forward to the day I can look back on times like these and say "I remember when God brought me out of this situation" and in the same thought I can feel, God will you ever bring me out? I answer myself and say if He don't you are messed up, because If God don't bring you out there is no one on this Earth that can help you!
Its like im just here, exsisting, and trying to learn how to go from exsisting to living. its like I'm fighting for better for myself to give my children better, but better is running away and its 10 steps ahead at all times. Its like I'm to the point where I even question if I deserve better. Its like a few bad decisions and one main bad choice has fashioned my entire being and I can't break free. I may not have been locked up in a physical jail in 2010 but my mind has been locked up since and every time I try to break free and try to go up for parole I get right to the edge and BAM it gets denied!! Those mental, emotional, and spiritual prison doors slam back on me and I'm back behind those bars. I hear the pastor, evangelists, apostles, teachers and preachers all say, don't let your past define who you are today, Don't live in the past, when people try to judge you by your past, you tell them God forgave me and I don't live there anymore and all the others things that are said regarding our past, but what do you do when you are constantly haunted by your past? What do you do when your past is STILL dictating your future? What do you do when no matter how hard you fight, your past still wins!! When your past shows up and tells your future NO, she can't have you!! Your past is the reason you are constantly denied housing, denied financial assistance, denied jobs, denied memberships, denied passports denied everything you want to do to better yourself your past sneaks up and says NO NO NO NO NO !!! And even though you fight, you pray, you cry, you try try try to move forward , your past attaches a chain to your leg and snatches you back every time you reach a certain point! Well what do you do then? When you are trying to heal from your past, move forward and close that chapter, cover that wound, but life keeps on snactching off the scab and revealing it again! What oh what do you do?
You see my family and I brought in 2024 living in a homeless shelter again. I lost my place that i had for a little over a year due to some circumstances beyond my control and somewhere within my control, but put them together, I lost. A little before we had evection court I was finally approved for section 8. I had finally been awarded my voucher and was free to look for a place that would accept section 8. I had no idea how hard that would be in this are, because I had always heard it would be easy to find a place once you got a voucher. Around October of 2023, I was living on borrowed time in the home we were in. I knew we were about to loose in evection court, so I was searching and searching looking for a place. majority of places in the area I was in did no longer accept section 8 because I guess so many people before hand had abused it so much that a lot of landlords did not want to deal with it, and other landlords did not want to get the properties up to part to be inspected so they did not accept it either. I knew my current landlord accepted it so I pleaded with her to let me set up a payment plan on my behind rent and start my new lease on my section 8 voucher and go from there, she did not want to do that so I was still looking. It took a few weeks until I found a listing on fb marketplace and reached out to them It was a beautiful 3 bedroom townhome in a beautiful area. They initially did not accept section 8 either, but after begging, pleading, praying and talking to him a lot he agreed to accept my voucher with a few stipulations. Once I got him on board I had to do a little more work to get my section 8 case worker to approve it, the amount of bedrooms, the area, and the amount of rent he was charging, then we could move on to the next step, me getting to go and view it and seeing what I thought about it. The night we went to see it, it was my daughter, myself and some friends we had met alone the way. When I tell you I LOVED everything about it, it was beautiful, nice rooms, nice storage area, nice kitchen, 2 and a half stories, 2 full bathrooms, a closed in garage, washer and dryer room I mean it was everything I could dream of at the moment, i mean it wasn't my dream home for good, but it was the perfect starter home. I was supper excited to finally be about to get my own bedroom, something I hadn't had in over 15 years, my daughter also loved it she and her little friend was already running around playing and she was claiming her bedroom, we were extremely filled with excitement and joy!! My son was pretty excited when he heard about it as well, he was at work when we went to see it. The next day I emailed the landlord and told him I was really to go on to the next step, so I completed the rest of the paperwork, did the background check and paid the money that was needed to be paid. Over the next few days I remember wishing, hoping and praying that everything fell in line for this place I was supper excited and looking forward to moving into this beautiful place I mean I was on cloud ten times 10. It took almost a week or so, but checking in with both of them every few days I would get a little bit of good news, The steps were slow, but they were slowly coming together, I hit one bump in the road when the background check came back and he told me that it was showing that I was on the registry I openly admitted everything to him and explained the situation and told him that I was currently in the process of trying to get off the registry since I had moved here. So he was going to proceed on with the process. One day I was working from home, taking some calls and I missed a call from my section 8 case worker, I was in the middle of the call and did not answer, but was getting ready to call her back, when I saw she had left a voicemail and sent me an email. The words in those messages were the words that crushed me to the depth of my soul. Basically, she was telling me that because I was on the sex offender registry as a lifetime restraint in the state of MS and for that reason my section 8 was being revoked and I could no longer go through the process until I was able to prove that this information was untrue. I contacted the landlord, and He had also decided to move forward with the next applicant because he felt I was no longer a good candidate for this housing.
Words can't describe the feeling I felt that day I had to clock out of work and leave the house. I could not breath, I could not think I could hardly even walk. I was weak, I was stung, I was in complete shock. I was so hurt, the tears would not stop falling I wanted to scream, I wanted to kick, run away but I could not do any of it, I could literally feel the air leaving my body, I was gasping and gasping for air and it felt like I could not get enough of it. I was walking down the street with no idea where I was going and had to stop and sit on a random bench to try to catch my breath and make sure I did not pass out in the street. All I could say was why God why God why God why? The paid I felt I would not then nor now wish on my worse enemy but here I am going through it and I look down at my phone its about 3 to 4 minutes before my 8 year old gets off the bus so I need to not only catch my breath but try to regain some kind of composure before I have to face my children!
I have to stop this right now and pause until part two, there is more coming but because this blog is already so long, I feel this is a good stopping point for reading and my typing. I can say it did feel good to get some things off my chest and others were very much embarrassing to have to say and see in black and white, but as I said before I just pray that whatever God's plan is for this, be it to bless me or bless somebody else that it all works for His Glory and not mine! Come back soon for part 2. Thank you for your continued support.
Excellent writing but Lord have mercy. LORD HAVE MERCY🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾