The Beginning of the journey of a lifetime!

Hello again, I know I have not written in very long while, and there has been so much going on since then. I have been feeling so compelled to write, but it has also been very hard to sit and almost force myself to write. I want to start from where I left off, but I also want to start a new topic that will tie into the place where I left off..

This is a very hard topic for me to write about but I feel like it is time for me to start telling the story. There is so much to be told and so much to say and I honestly feel like if I don't start telling it and talking about it, it will kill be inside slowly. I really don't know where to start so please just bare with me.

I want to share my story of being on the sex offender registry. If you have read any of my previous blogs, I have shared to story of how I ended up in that situation. However, I have not gotten a chance to share how life is when you are on the registry as a woman.

In February of 2006 was when I went to court with the intentions of having a trial and hoping that I would be found not guilty of the charges I was facing (not even sure of what those charges were on paper). Before the trial I was advised to have another sit down with my attorney and a few other people and offered a plea deal once again. I was offered a plea deal of 1 year house arrest, 4 years probation and to register as a sex offender. At the time I was not even sure what having to register fully involved, but I knew that that was not something i wanted to do. I was sure that having to do that would not be anything good. I initially declined the offer and said I still wanted to take my chances in court. In my mind, I knew that i honestly did not know the guy had lied about his age and if he admitted it in open court and I also admitted it i figured I would be found not guilty and things would finally go back to normal. However, my thoughts were farthest from the truth. My lawyer told me that if i did not accept the plea , we would walk into that court room, he could not fight for me, he was not going to embarrass himself my "taking a knife to a gun fight" and that we most certainly would loose, and instead of house arrest and probation, I would end up in prison for at minimum 15 years and that I would not see my mom anymore ( who was sick and on dialysis) nor would i see my 4 year old son anymore. I could not believe what i was hearing. I just knew he could not be right, so at first I still said no, some way he told someone to talk to me and convince me, I remember calling my mom and telling her and she wanted me to take the plea, but she didn't want to force me, she just let me know that I was needed at home, and my child needed me, and that we could deal with it little by little. Secondly I remember my pastor at the time calling me, and pleading with me to take the plea. She told me abou0t her time working in women's prison doing prison ministry and that she did not want to see my behind bars, she assured me that , that was not a place i wanted, nor needed to be if it could be prevented. So after talking to both of them, I reluctantly said I would take the plea. Just knowing the things to come, I knew in my heart that this was not an easy road ahead, so I was really hurt I was broken so I cried the whole time we were sitting in that room waiting to go before the judge and accept the plea.

Before the judge came in my attorney looked at me and said, you're gone have to stop crying, because if the judge sees you crying and he ask if you feeling forced or cohered to make this choice, and you said yes, or you appear to be distraught he won't allow you to take the deal, you're going to have to go to court and I've already told you what is going to happed if that happens. So I had to "fix my face", suck if up and pretend like I was ok with the whole ordeal. So on that day I signed the papers to start the process of house arrest and becoming a registered sex offender. I left there feeling totally defeated. Went home and crashed in the bed and all I remember is crying harder than I had ever cried in my life. That was the first time I experienced brokenness that was unable to be described. Little did I know there was so much more hurt to come. This was just the beginning of a journey of a lifetime!