In my last blog, we left off with me in a place where I never imagined I would be. Sitting behind a jail cell pondering my entire life, questioning every decision I had made within the last few weeks and just questioning where my life would go from here. Then some kind of way I happened to dose off. It wasn't a long nap, but I know t was needed for my sanity although I awake in the same state of mind or worse, waking up there was just as bad as dosing off there.
Once I was awake, I continued to just sit and think. I'm not sure how long I sat there, but as some point I remember someone saying it was almost time for dinner. Even though I hadn't eaten lunch or anything much that day that I could remember. The sound and thought of dinner, did not excite me at all. The only thing that made me feel was that it was getting closer and closer to nighttime, and I wasn't home. A little more time passed, and an officer finally came and said that I had made bail and I could be released. OMG, that was like music to my ears. The best things I had heard in a very long time. I think I had to sign a paper, and after whatever the release process was, was over, I was free to go.
Although I was free from there, I knew the hard part was still to come. My mom and son were waiting for me in the car, and I knew she wasn't very happy. She had every right to feel every feeling that she felt, and I knew for a while she would be freely expressing those feelings, and she was never one to bite her tongue so I was now trying to mentally prepare myself for upcoming conversations that we would have to have. I also knew that this was only temporary, as part of my release I was told that I would be contacted with a court day. This means that this thing was far from over, it was basically just beginning. While walking to the car, I took a few deep breaths and tried to prepare for things to come.
The car ride home was quiet. No one really said anything at that moment. Once I arrived home, the very, very first thing I wanted to do was shower. I felt like after being in a place like that I needed a very, very long hot shower. So that's what I did first, got in the shower and took a long, long shower. Trying to wash off the stench of jail and the embarrassment off of me. This was the first time I had cried since my birthday. I cried and cried in this shower. Letting out all of the emotions that I had bottled up while I had sat in the jail cell, emotions that I held in this the whole encounter had started. After a while, I had to fix my face and get out the shower and face life! I had a mom that still needed things and a son that needed my attention as well. Once I got out the shower later on that night before bed, my mom had given my phone back earlier, she looks at me with a little disgust and lot of hurt and tells me she had read my text to a friend of mine and saw that I had just met the guy the same day, we had been intimate. I told her yes that was true, she wanted to know why I done that the same day. I just told her I don't know. Because deep down inside I knew I couldn't explain to her how I was feeling because at that point I wasn't sure about anything anymore. She asked a few more questions and then said she was going to bed, we'd talk later. I put my son to bed and laid down as well. Laid down with just me and my thoughts, wondering what the upcoming days would hold.
Thank you all for your time, stopping by to read my blog. If you have just started, thank you for coming alone, feel free to go back and start this journey from the beginning. If you have been with me from the beginning or quite sometimes, thank you for going on this journey with me. Any questions and/or feedback is welcomed. Thank you again and God bless!
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